Empty your cup.
Written by Sam Abeysekera on September 21, 2022
Here we discuss an unspoken aspect of burnout and how we solve it:

It's particularly nasty because it arises from within our own minds... 

And it's especially critical for women - who are often most vulnerable to these internal threats due to social conditioning. It's things such as: 

People-pleasing; 

Fear of failure;

Not feeling good enough;

Over-extending;

The imposter syndrome;

The pursuit of perfection…and so on. 

Clearly, there are other external contributors to burnout like unrealistic billable targets, a toxic culture, unequal pay, etc.

But half of the population walking around with a mental ball-and-chain while being asked to do mental gymnastics at work — is not good.
 
And for lawyers, it’s worse…your gift of helping people and being hyper-diligent can magnify the problem like a telescope:

It looks like this equation (the parentheticals are society’s value of these things which supercharges the problem):
It’s the law of diminishing returns, personified.

When you give so much, something has to give. 
 
We’ve got to reduce the load. 
 
So what do we do?
 
There are many things we can do. In this article, I’m going to share two methods as they are quick and easy to implement in any situation but highly effective:

1. The Use Of Self

If you’re naturally a giving type of person, you must learn NOT to be a giver all the time.... 

I know it sounds selfish, but you may end up training those around you to take. So be wisely selfish! Here’s what you can do: 
 
Step 1️⃣ Be aware of your in-built “notifications system:” just like your computer and mobile phone give you notifications of various events, your body has its own notification system e.g. when asked to do something you don't want to or need to.

Step 2️⃣: Pay attention. These notifications might be a feeling of unease, a physical thing like holding your breath when they ask you a question, or an actual thought like, “oh no, not this c#%p again,”...watch for them and know how your body speaks to you, or simply ask yourself: do I feel UNCOMFORTABLE. If yes, your body is talking. 
  
Step 3️⃣: Listen. Pull back, and give yourself some mental space. The easiest way to “force” this is to take a deep breath, then summarize what you heard. This allows for clarification and requires the requester to confirm what they really want. Resist any temptation to solve the problem, or even judge them. 

Step 4️⃣: Pause. Pull back, and give yourself some mental space. The easiest way to “force” this is to take a deep breath. This allows for thinking time. “Zoom Out” - take a bird’s eye view - and ask yourself, how does this impact what you need to do? If it makes no sense, you can course-correct immediately. Permit yourself to let your goals take up space! 

If you don’t pay attention and constantly override your system by saying “YES” when you should say “NO,” you’ll lose yourself and ultimately lose. 

Observing how it feels to claim space for your goals is the secret sauce. This observation is critical to validate your decision, which then starts hard-wiring this new way of thinking and operating.

Over time, you’ll be able to assess situations and make good decisions in a rapid moment. You won’t waste a single second in energy-sucking negative loops and experience more authenticity.

2. The Northern Star

The Northern Star is famous for holding pretty much still while the entire northern sky moves around it. Even the moon doesn’t mask it. It’s been a star to steer the way for epic journeys since ancient times. "So what, Sam?" you may be asking... 

Well, this is where goals are VERY helpful. Because if your goals are compelling enough, it will take a REAL emergency to derail you from them. 

Consider this – What would make your life extraordinary? Seriously. Identify those things, and make them goals...Then plan for them by working backward in sequence - what must happen this year, this month, this week, this day to achieve all these things? 

Then, do those things. 

Anything or anyone that interferes with this, can be seen for what it is - a distraction - and addressed. So you keep focused on your Northern Star, and let it light the way. 

As an example – 

I recently worked with a lawyer in a toxic environment that made her stomach churn so that no amount of money would keep her in the firm. When we met, she wanted to escape by taking a senior role in-house, but forfeiting all her clients and market presence.

It wasn’t the answer for her, but when you’re in pain, your brain will choose the easiest path in the short term, even if it's not the right option in the long term.

Instead, we assessed what she really wanted vs. the instant gratification of a nice shiny new job. In the long term, it was clear she'd be happiest in her firm even though the short term was so bad. Once we knew this, we got to work; she learned some new methods and began thriving as a highly respected partner again. 

In life, we see many people take the road of conformity doing what everybody else does, hoping to get a better result…
 
But when you tackle the difficult things you need to do for yourself, life gets easy!
 
Hope this helps to keep it simple!

Sam Abeysekera

Sam is dedicated to empowering female partners and founders in the legal industry to break through barriers and redefine success. As the lawyer's advocate, she equips her clients with strategies to become seasoned rainmakers and thrive within the dynamics of law firm culture, all while maintaining balance and authenticity.
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